by Mark Morelli

Everything You Need to Know About Life

2010-05-10T20:09:00.000-07:00

Everything you need about life is right here: How to take your turn. How to listen to others and dig what they do best. And how to all come together at the end.

Pretzels: Timing is Everything

2010-01-23T05:44:00.000-08:00

I.
Where I work, people put snacks by the mailboxes, which is in a central location. I sit nearby. I can hear people walking by, slowing their pace, swooping their hands into crinkly bags with chips, cookies and candy.

It's amazing. Even at the height of swine flu anxiety, with hand sanitizer dispensers suddenly appearing everywhere like state highway patrol cars on New Year's Eve, we will still jam our hands into bags of free food.

Yesterday, I opened a fresh bag of pretzels--no germs--took a deep whiff of the crispy aromatic freshness. Added bonus: This was fresh! Those dots of white in the bag were pure salt, not the accumulation of skin flakes from the hands of two dozen co-workers.

The first bite of the first pretzel was perfect, like I was eating the first pretzel on earth, and like God in Genesis, declared it good. And on the seventh pretzel, I rested.

II.

Some say pretzels originated as treats for kids during Lent, when many centuries ago, it was forbidden to make leavened bread. The three holes represnted the Christian trinity and the twisted strip of baked dough represented the folded arms of a praying monk. If Christians use bread and wine in church celebration, then there's an argument (or a Budweiser ad campaign) to be made that pretzels and beer is sacramental, especially during these troubles times when we turn to faith for comfort.

III.
Fresh pretzels remind me of my late father. For over twenty years he worked in a Dan-Dee factory that produced pretzels and potato chips. I'd visit him in the plant. He'd let me watch the conveyer belt carry along strips of dough that a machine would fold into the shape of a pretzel. It was mesmerizing as watching a crackling fireplace.

Often my father would come home, place freshly made pretzels and chips on the kitchen counter. I wanted to dive in, but my mother wouldn't permit us to "ruin our appetite" by snacking just before dinnertime. So while he washed the flour off his hands, the still-warm chips and pretzels steamed up the bag. Many times our chips and pretzels would go soggy.

Posters Promoting Obama's September 9th Speech to America's Schoolchildren

2009-09-10T13:36:00.000-07:00

"Help, I've Got a Job Interview for a Death Panel and I Don't Know What to Wear!"

2009-09-09T09:26:00.000-07:00

With a Death Panel in every town, there will be jobs-jobs-jobs! But watch out – the competition’s fierce – and only those who put their best foot forward will be able to seize the opportunity. Your first step must be a good first impression.

Wearing all black might be great if you want to kill...at the Venetian Las Vegas…

You don’t have to be a criminally insane to work here, but it helps. Sorry, no dogs in the office. But if you're thinking 'uniform,' you're on the right trail.

…Don’t wear your Death Panel casual Friday apparel either.

Whoa! Showing enthusiasm is important, but don’t jump the gun. Wearing the actual uniform to your interview is presumptuous.

So instead, just wear something plain, formal and the proven outfit for the group that has proven its ability to kill...if only ideas and buzzes.

Health Insurance Reform Must Pass Under One Condition

2009-08-31T07:11:00.000-07:00

...Everyone who believed in the irresponsible right wing myths about insurance reforms must wait an additional ten minutes before receiving treatment.

That's about how long it takes to read the facts about the issue, which also answers the question, will Glenn Beck be denied coverage for his preexisting condition of paranoid schizophrenia?

Town Hall Breaking News: Nazis Protest the Protesters

2009-08-28T10:05:00.001-07:00

As we have just spent August watching town hall meetings erupt in protests, describing Democratic or Obama health care initiatives as “Nazi.”

In response, real Nazis issued this rebuttal:

“We protest the protesters. Contrary to popular perception, Naziism does not provide for universal health coverage. The press should do its homework before reporting this bile and nonsense. If the press would only read our manifesto, The Final Solution 2.0, they would find out that the only thing we have in common with Obamacare is Death Panels, and we are certain that ours would be less costly and more effective.”

Obama Need Not Waste His Breath

2009-08-23T13:22:00.001-07:00

It has become apparent that the Republicans will not support a health insurance reform bill this year -- or even engage in honest discussion about the issue.

Don't waste your breath, Obama supporters urged him, they're not listening anyway. No matter how urgent and necessary reform is, they want you to fail and they want this failure to be your Waterloo.

Obama can find the perfect statement to make to the loyal opposition whose contributions to the national conversation are disruption and distortions. It's in his inaugural speech and there's no need to even tweak it because it applies to extremists of all stripes who refuse to communicate and cooperate like civil human beings:

"To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history. We will extend a hand if you're willing to unclench your fist."

Only then can they accept a slice at the pizza party.

Three Other Recent Political or Pop Culture Questions in History Meghan McCain is Absolved from Having to Answer

2009-08-12T18:35:00.000-07:00

From HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher, HBO, July 22, 2009:

Meghan McCain: The Obama administration has to stop blaming things on its predecessor. I'm sick of hearing, 'Oh, we were handed this.' I know, everybody knows. But we need to move on.

Bill Maher: Do you think that's what Obama's doing?

Meghan McCain: I do, to a degree.

Paul Begala: Not to enough of a degree. Not nearly enough. Ronald Reagan blamed Jimmy Carter every day for eight years.

Meghan McCain: You know I wasn't born yet, so I don't know.

Paul Begala: Well, I wasn't born in the French Revolution, but I know about it...

Yankee Reggie Jackson lead all 1977 World Series hitters with a .450 BA and five home runs, including three in game six. Or was it game five?
One of the biggest selling singles of 1976 was "Afternoon Delight" by which vocal group?
Which former Beatle released the album "Give My Regards to Broad Street"?*

*Controversy swirls around this assertion, but in fact, Paul McCartney's album was released October 22, 1984, one day before Meghan McCain's birth.

Open Letter to Todd Palin

2009-08-10T17:23:00.000-07:00

In Godfather II, Fredo shows up late to nephew Anthony's communion party because his wife, Deanna, is drunk. She stumbles toward the house, shouting her demands to see Michael. Then she topples over drunk. When Fredo tries to pick her up, she knocks him down. Don't embarrass me, Fredo hisses.

Next, she gets so loud and falling down drunk that Michael Corleone's bodyguard approaches Fredo. "Freddie, Mike says to take care of it, or I have to."

Defeated, Fredo shrugs and Rocco hauls Deanna off so she can sober up outside of the hosts' earshot.

So, Todd, just say the word and dollars-to-donuts, Haley Barbour will be there in a second with keys to a padded room.

An Open Goodbye Letter for Harry Patch (Warning: Not a Paean to a Fading Hairstyle Trend)

2009-07-25T07:08:00.000-07:00

Rest in Peace, Harry Patch:

My first thought, when I read about the death of England's last World War I veteran, Harry Patch (I couldn't invent a better name), was: "If it weren't for all those Dunhills, mate, you might've made it to 112!"

Seriously, folks: It made me think of when we will see such a news story for the last surviving World War II veteran. When would that be? The war ended in 1945, so the last person to see combat would've been -- at the very youngest -- let's just say 17. So someone born in 1927 or 1928 even. A person born that year who lives to be 111, the age of Harry Patch, would pass on around the year 2039. So we still have 30 years of living among those who fought in World War II. Chances are life expectancy will be extended by then and we may see people commonly living to be 130. Could be possible, so let's just extend that year by 19 and make it 2050. For that reason alone, the Glenn Miller orchestra won't have to disband for another 40 years!

It does make me sad, though, when a living link to a certain part of history expires. I don't have a lot of confidence in my fellow citizens' grasp of history. Without understanding historical context, the hysterical media can batter us blind with three-day sugar bursts of integral news stories that are replaced with the next wave of three-day sugar burst of integral news stories. Poor education about history and civics by default make cable & web opinion showboats our history and civics teachers. And when the last living human who actually experienced a specific moment in history is dead, I am afraid that what dies with him or her is witness to truth that clears the path for the charlatans with megaphones.

My Beef About "Happy Friday!"

2009-05-08T05:11:00.000-07:00

It's Friday.

All I hear is "Happy Friday" around the office.

That steams me.

When, I ask you, did we completely take Christ out of Fridays?!

American Automaker Hubris Then, Humility Now

2009-04-11T08:17:00.000-07:00

America's better off with a chastened, repentant, born-again, restructured and downsized auto industry than a dead one.

It is possible only if something else dies. The hubris of American manufacturing, which in the American postwar was pumped up like the only son, star quarterback of a small town championship team who went to college only to find that he wasn't the only star on the field -- and instead of humility and hard work -- blamed the coaches, quit and crawled back home.

That happened to steel, an industry that kept forging blindly on, producing in 28 hours what it took the Japanese steel mills to produce in less than half the time.

We are overdue in taking seriously our competition and believing in our own invincibility. How overdue? Jay Leno told us about it nearly three decades. That's a long time for America's captains of industries to "get it."

At the same time, I have a request for America. Buy the cars made by your fellow citizens. I'm a Ford man, and I'm completely pleased with my Taurus and Escape. And if you're feeling hostile toward American carmakers, then soften your heart and see how far they've come in this footage from the leaders of GM.

Republicans are Marxists

2009-02-19T15:42:00.000-08:00

GOP Leader Boehner Floor Speech Opposing the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.

Photography of Anne Savage

2009-02-19T07:24:00.000-08:00

My friend Anne Savage was f eatured in Time magazine for this poster she created, a mosaic of photos she personally shot while touring Obama rallies in the midwest.

This poster can be purchased, and her other photography work viewed, at her website.

Proof That Some People Not Only Listen and Remember the Small Things, But Immediately See A Larger Value

2009-02-15T12:17:00.000-08:00

1. My mother went to the funeral of a man who got married one hour before her and my father in the chapel of Saint Patrick's Church in Leetonia, Ohio on June 26, 1948. After the weddings, the other couple gave my father and mother a ride. The other couple were en route to Niagara Falls. They dropped off my parents at a small cottage resort in Mentor-on-the-Lake, Ohio, on Lake Erie. From there, my parents enjoyed their modest honeymoon and took a bus back home to Leetonia.

2. Waiting in the back of the church at the funeral, my mother was recognized by the priest, who is a friend of my brother's and who was a guest for lunch at my mother's home not long ago when he and my brother were riding bikes and swung by to say hello. My mother is always ready to segue from "hello" to "lunch is served" in just minutes. He said, "I know you, don't I?"

"Does spare ribs ring a bell?" my mother said, giving him a hint. "How about...bike ride?"

"Oh yes!" said the priest delightedly. My mother explained to him how the two couples had been married within an hour nearly 61 years before. They also shared small talk about the coming of spring and how you can always tell when spring is coming by the shoots of tulips peaking out of the cracks in the cold wet late winter soil.

3. Minutes later the priest gave his eulogy, mentioning how he had just that day met a woman who was married within an hour of the dearly departed (without mentioning that she was seated in that very church.) He said that death is but a rebirth, like spring, which is evident by the shoots of tulips peaking out of the cracks in the cold wet late winter soil.

What Your New Girlfriend's Cat Reveals About Her

2009-02-05T17:26:00.000-08:00

1. She is willing to live with, love, cuddle and take care of a creature that vomits on the floor.

2. She's willing to do dirty work. (Invalid if there's a lot of cat vomit in her apartment.)

3. There's a good chance she'll be a good sport about it when you totally ignore her while you preen yourself.

If You Haven't Listened to Holly Cole, You Should

2009-01-03T16:37:00.000-08:00

Every time I want to write about something, I get discouraged. A quick Google search on the topic will show that whatever it is I wanted to say will have already been said by someone else, better.

This past year, especially, when it came to political insights, I was always beat to the punch by columnists and bloggers.

But when it comes to turning people on to Holly Cole, I seem to have hit paydirt.

"Have you ever heard of Holly Cole?" I ask jazz enthusiasts. I'm surprised at how many say no.

"Oh you gotta hear her," I tell them.

What I should say is, you gotta see her.

She's one of those artists that I was first drawn to because of her looks. I get a lot of my music from the public library, and so it doesn't cost me a penny to try out any book, author or movie. I drew a cartoon to that effect: If you're going to impulse "buy" -- do it at the library!

So I grabbed my first Holly Cole CD based upon this cover. I'll admit, she had a hot quality, reminded me of an ex-girlfriend, and she led a jazz trio. At that time, I was just beginning to seriously explore jazz. By that I mean, I was a novice trying to take jazz seriously. I remember when Rolling Stone used to do its year-end readers polls and fusion artists like Chuck Mangione and Weather Report would win jazz artist of the year, basically because the rock fan readers didn't know any other jazz artists. So I perused the well-stocked shelves of the library and began trying new things. So as I grabbed the familiar names -- Davis, Coltrane, Jamal -- up pops this Holly Cole. And when I heard that she sang as sultry as she looked, I finally had something to replace that Julie London album I'd worn the needle clear through the grooves.

Holly Cole has a good range, a deep timbre and an original way with interpreting the great old standards and show tunes as well as contemporary songs. That's describing many singers. But who among them is brave and weird enough to record an album of Tom Waits songs, which makes me not only want to hear the music, but drink with her. Not because the subject of Tom Waits songs is often drinking, but because any person who would think it's a cool project would be fun to have a drink with.

She's got an odd way of bending words, tomboyish, borderline dorky, like she's singing so beautifully but suddenly gets embarrassed by how beautiful it is that she makes a husky, clowning sound with her voice. It's not old school quality-but-clowny like Betty Hutton. It's smarter, better, deeper than that. It's a writer's irony, so I'm not really serious about saying that she, a professional singer, is embarrassed by singing well. Dean Martin used to do it all the time. In fact Dean Martin wouldn't even start a song straight. He'd start clowning around right away, and the only way you could enjoy his performance is if you knew his recorded version by heart and referred to it in your head while he clowned around. Trivia: The only song Dean Martin ever sang onstage seriously all the time was "Brother, Can You Spare a Dime," a 1931 E.Y. "Yip" Harburg and Jay Gorney song about how laborers were milked dry and tossed aside when prosperity waned. I often wondered why Martin respected that song and that song only, and I can only figure that he grew up in Steubenville, a steel town, and knew first hand at an impressionable young age what it was like to see proud, hardworking men begging for handouts.

Holly Cole isn't even fooling around, isn't hamming it up or mugging or goofing, when she mixed even with a few lyrics the sounds of songbird and dufist. It's just her sound. And I love it because it doesn't sound like anything else I've ever heard.

Jewel kind of does the same thing. She, too, can turn a line into a goulash mixed with the siren of a soprano, the growl of a bear like in and a nyah-nyah nasal thing she does like a school yard artist who is being excluded from playing games with the popular girls, but who never wanted to join them in the first place.

Holly Cole is popular in Canada. She should be better known here, too. So no matter what kind of music you like, if you appreciate originality, and if you haven't listened to Holly Cole, you should.

Oh, you already have!

The War on Christmas: Off the Front Pages But Still on My Mind

2008-12-04T20:10:00.000-08:00

What's with Bill O'Reilly? He's abandoned the War on Christmas story. For a few years running it was the most important story to hit the airwaves, at least on Fox TV, during December. The faith of our fathers hung in the balance. Why has he given up?

I'll tell you why. He's lost the stomach to cover it. There's too much horror, too much brutality, too much death for faux tough guy O'Reilly to take.

Or maybe times have changed and people just don't get off on being self-righteous and angry anymore. In 2005 Republicans stormed into town to make the personal case of Terry Schiavo their cause. Boy did they misread the public. Instead of whipping the dufist masses into a blind frenzy of outrage, the people said, "Back off, let the family have their peace and privacy." In 2008, people opted for hope over anger because maybe, just maybe, America recognizes a need to be even-tempered. Even the most angry, snarling punk grows up and mellows out.

Let it go! Let go of the anger! Good job -- it's healthy to let it go! And thanks for sharing Christmas and America with us again.

Who Ya Gonna Call? Doorbusters!

2008-12-01T21:00:00.000-08:00

I'm writing this on a laptop I got at Wal-Mart for a song. I stood in line for an early holiday doobuster sale. It wasn't a crazy, pitch-a-tent outside of Best Buy the night before type of door buster sale. Those tents, winding around stores on cold Thanksgiving nights, are the Hoovervilles of today, except instead of stirring up potato soup in old coffee tins, the people are drinking Dunkin' Donuts coffee and waiting to buy a Panasonic 42'' Plasma HDTV for what it cost my immigrant grandfather to buy his first American house.

My doorbuster experience was simpler. The sale started at 8am, a few weeks before Thanksgiving. I arrived at 6am, got in the store, stood around for two hours. It was quite an experience.

The guy in front of me said he did this thing all the time. "But my brother's worse," he said. "He goes to Chick-Fil-A grand openings. They give away a hundred free boxes of 52 free sandwich coupons -- that's free lunch every week for a year!" He said it with such enthusiasm that I couldn't tell if he was jealous of his brother or he thought his brother was a lunatic.

"He's been to five of these things," he said. I did the math in my head. Assuming this brother was one of the first 100 in line, he had over 250 coupons for free Chick-Fil-A sandwiches. He could eat a chicken sandwich every day for lunch, excluding weekends, and hardly have to buy lunch all year. Imagine, I wondered, the savings you could get if you didn't have to buy your lunch for an entire year!

It began to make sense to me. That's what happens to you when you're in line for a doorbuster. When you're at home, watching on TV, the people in line seem like idiots, mammon-worshippers, dorks and dufists and, I feel terrible saying this, the type of people who put their povery on parade. But wait a second, I began to think while standing in the line waiting for the sale so I could save $175 on my laptop, this an odd mixture, a weird equation of people buying really expensive things but standing in modern-day soup lines to get them.

But that doesn't explain the Chick-Fil-A enthusiasts. The Lord works in mysterious ways. In His wisdom, he has given us chicken sandwich zealots to make those who stand in line for electronics at least feel a little sane.

Anyway, I like their ads.